Monday, July 27, 2009

Weekend Monkey's The Real Banana On Politics - Stimulus? What Stimulus?



Hidey Ho, Primates! I'm back! Welcome to the one and only Real Banana, your source for the real poop on politics.

I know you've missed my wisdom, but I've been on an extensive college tour lecturing to America's primate youth and working on a couple biz deals..as a matter of fact, this Monkey is slated to be narrator on the Michael Jackson funeral DVD..both the with and without brain versions, available at the usual places soon.

Let's do it and get to it..

Today the story is the economy,plain and simple. It's a mess in DC, and this Monkey has real solutions. Now that my Democrats control everything, you'd expect a lot more to get done. Instead, it's like watching a bunch of baboons arguing about who's turn it is to pick the fleas off each other.

The stimulus itself might not have been such a bad idea, but giving the moolah to the same people that screwed things up in the first place without any accounting of where the money went as long as they kicked in to the campaign slush funds of Our Dear Leader or knew somebody who did was exactly the sort of thing I would have expected out of Obama. I feel free to say these things now that my efforts to get a soft job in the administration were so rudely ignored.

You don't tax people in a recession or spend money you haven't got...even a brain dead crack dealer knows that. You raise revenues and cut costs. Here's what this Monkey would do if he was sitting in the Oval Orifice.

Aside from grabbing up as much of the stimulus money I could get my paws on and keeping it from getting spent, the first thing I would do would be to legalize prostitution and drugs,make it a quasi-government enterprise like Fannie Mae,tax the wazoo out of them and institute horrific penalties for any black market dealers. No matter how bad things are, people still need poontang ( or in some cases, the beef torpedo) and getting high, and they'll pay for it. Especially if it comes with a guv'mint approved FDA stamp of approval. Aside from bringing in borkoo bucks, can you say full employment? Sure you can. As for me, I'd be proud to be known as the Drug Dealer and Pimp-In Chief who put Americans back to work and saved the economy.

The next thing I'd do would be to bring our guys and gals back from Iraq and Afghanistan and stop throwing our money away over there. Read the news? The Iraqis are cheering our leaving their cities as a 'victory' and want to be free to bond with their jihad pals next door...some allies, huh George W? We should leave and take anything with us that isn't nailed down as repayment for all that aid money.

In Afghanistan the locals want us out so they can go back to their accustomed 7th century way of behavior. Even Obama has admitted there's nothing much to win over there...not that he's acting on one of the few smart things he's come up with. I say we go. As a matter of fact, we could probably make deals on the way out with the local warlords for the opium needed to make the now legal drugs in my first idea. And since we could pay higher prices than the Taliban, that problem would be over and they'd either have to become a part of the new America driven drug economy or go back to having sex with sheep.And as a side operation, we could commish the Mafia or maybe even some of the more business oriented Taliban to burn the fields and settle any nasty problems with competition - permanently.

As a matter of fact, there's probably a lotta money we could cut back on when it comes to foreigners. We're broke. Why are we giving tons o' bucks to the UN? What are they gonna do if we don't pay, toss us out? And then watch as we evict them so they have to set up a new HQ in Zimbabwe or Gaza? Hee hee hee! I say we start charging them BIG Manhattan -style rent, with a bonus just because we can.

Another place we can cut back is on labor costs here in America, and the huge dollars we spend trying to catch, litigate and deport illegal aliens. The social costs for things like welfare, schooling, medical care and earned income credits, not to mention crime are bankrupting us.

I have already addressed this during my presidential campaign, and I still think the answer is comprehensive immigration reform.

The current proposals are limited in that they only target illegal workers currently in America, with the idea of somehow making them legal and subject to minimum wage laws.

That's no way to ensure continued cheap labor!

Imagine how much money we'd save if the US created a program to bring monkeys and apes from around the world to America as guest workers for industries like fast food, agriculture, construction, carwashes, gardening, house cleaning and similar businesses.

Monkeys and apes can do these jobs much cheaper and more efficiently than illegal aliens...they will practically work for peanuts. And there are thousands of my fellow primates who would jump at the chance to swing into the jungle that is America.

Monkeys and apes will pick your crops, wash your cars and clean your toilets. All they're asking for is an even break, a departure from the species-ist prejudices of the past.

After all, if we can create one set of special policies aimed at creating a low wage underclass and exploit their labor, why not another, especially when it saves us billions of dollars and keeps the price of labor down..wa-ay down! And think of the savings on education and health care.. most apes and monkeys do.. er... home schooling, as it were, and many diseases that afflict humans are not transferable from their fellow primates.

Rather than try to utilize an inefficient government bureaucracy to kick primates of one species out, we can concentrate on bringing in the kind of primates who will be a major boon to the economy, create new opportunities and let the marketplace sort the situation out as higher priced primates self deport out of the country.

Imagine the boost to America's small businesses! And productivity? Do you have any idea how strong a chimp is or how hard a gorilla can swing a hammer? I tell ya, Donkey Kong wasn't the half of it.

This is a win-win scenario, and a major opportunity for America to experience real diversity.

Is President Obama even considering any of these bold moves? Nuh Uh.

We need a new direction in Washington, especially considering that old Democratic
principle of counting every vote that counts and discounting those that don't. Believe me, I can count that way too.

With Al Franken in the Senate, cracks about 'those clowns in Washington' will take on a brand new meaning, and if Franken can get in, don't be surprised if I don't take a stab at it. You could be addressing me as Senator Monkey in the future....

Smell yah later, Primates!

Weekend Monkey was a Democratic candidate for president in 2008 and is JoshuaPundit's political Guru. He can be reached at wendmonkey@yahoo.com



6 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is a racist insult to Obama, having a monkey saying this stuff.

Christian Atheist said...

Yo Ano!
New in town? Or do you trolls have some sort of early wording system?
You pusillanimous popinjay! Grow some skin or, better yet, save the outrage for someplace where you have some dim idea of what goes on when nobody's been shaking your tree.Assuming of course that there is such a place, which I doubt.
Monkey's been a valued member of our little community for longer than you've most likely been literate.I think I can say without fear of contradiction that he's not capable of racism.He's a monkey!

Weekend Monkey said...

Thanks for getting my back, Christian Atheist (interesting moniker!?!)

As for 'anonymous' - Hey poop fer brains! ya think that pimple between yer shoulders will ever grow to a head? braaaagh!

louielouie said...

to anon:
a monkey saying these things is racist, so that means i can say them, myself not being monkey, and they won't be racist.
.....interesting.

as for the essay:
AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
you again!!!!!!
ff went off and left his computer on, again, and look what happens.
i can see the beginnings of another one of ff excellent essays and you come along, plagarize the thing and.........
what the hell is that smell??????

he was sitting in the Oval Orifice.

freudian slip monkey boy?

but I've been on an extensive college tour lecturing to America's primate youth
school's out chimpy, except of course for summer school, so that won't wash unless you're prepared to admit to being less than a *B* list talent.

the first thing I would do would be to legalize prostitution and drugs
the first thing you'd have to do is make it retro-active so you wouldn't get your hairy butt thrown in jail. it's common knowledge ff has gone out of his way to bail you ass out of one scrape after another, why on earth he does this is beyond me!!!! no telling how much in debt he is to cover your bail(s) in how many states??????

Why are we giving tons o' bucks to the UN?
why ask us monkey boy? they're your kinda people. you know. crooks. and then again, wouldn't your prostitution/drug idea put the USA into competition with the UN in that area of international commerce?

about 2/3 the way through the essay that was ff, before you got hold of it, you appear to go off on some ape agenda that sounds like a knock-off of some deleted scene from one of the planet of the apes movies. is this what you would be doing while:
even a brain dead crack dealer knows that.
i'll bet you know a lot of them don't you monkey boy?

You could be addressing me as Senator Monkey in the future....
how about i put a stamp on your hairy butt and address you to the moon?

chimpy, why ff continues to allow you access to his website is beyond me.
i had gone out with friends. had a couple of glasses of wine. a shot of patron, blanco. and a plate of chicken nachos. then i came back here to check up on ff posts for today, and what do i see? your mug. again. i was going to get a good nights sleep and all of that is shot to hell. just seeing that picture is gonna cause nightmares until...........the next time i see that picture.

here's an idea for you chimpy, why don't you and hillary go into one of those state department offices, or orifices, and close the door. i don't care what you do, to each other. just as long as you and hillary are alone in an office together.

....and what the hell is that smell??????

Weekend Monkey said...

You'll bow to my wisdom yet, Louie Louie, just like Obama Yo' Mama dusting the King O' Saudi's knee ( or some other part his bodything) with his lips.

I come up with some happening IDEAS to help you primates out of the financial mess you've stepped into and that's the thanks I get? Sheesh!

As far as Shrillery goes, thanks but no thanks. I prefer something warm and breathing and don't stick any part of my equipment in mechanical devices..unlike a certain Louie Louie I could name.

Bite the rotten banana, Chum...mmmmp.

Lucas said...

Weekend Monkey,
Thanks for your valueable political advices. You are a breath of fresh air. :-)